Bravo, Italy's supreme court. Following up on the legal precedents of "she had tight pants she was asking for it" "she wasn't a virgin so it's less rapey" and "unsolicited footsie totally isn't sexual assault!" and that other crap they did that I'm too lazy to scroll back in my journal and look for, they have now similarly declared that having sex implies consent to be taped having said sex. I can only hope that one of these old dingbats gets taped by a hooker or something.

In case anyone was harbouring the notion that Oshawa should be called anything but Crackton, this woman came staggering into Timmy's this morning with unfocused eyes and a clearly excessive level of intoxication. She stumbled up to the counter, fixed the cashier with a manic expression, and demanded three straws. When informed that we do not, in fact, offer straws out (especially not to people so eminently likely to use them to snort cocaine, not that we mentioned this) the woman stealthily snatched three out of the holder and careened out the store, zigzagging her way back to her car. While we got her license plate number and called the cops, she then proceeded to peel out over a curb, a drivethru lane, a foot of piled snow and a good ten feet of median onto Bond St., where she immediately opted to book it. I can only hope the cops caught up with her.

A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for killing two other dogs to death.

Goodness, the last time I saw such mortally mangled verbiage was in the Metro daily subway paper back in 2000 or so, when Al Waxman "died suddenly death". I guess the Sun wanted in on the action too... either that or they got tired of salacious man-on-man rumormongering.

Well...

Far be it for me to say "I TOLD YOU SO", but I told you so!

Ah, the idyllic tranquility of a night in the 'Shwa. The stars twinkling softly, a cool breeze touching your cheeks, the sounds of two jackasses bellowing at each other across a street at 3 in the morning:

"HEY BUDDY! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

"YEAH YOU! SHE'S NOT HERE YOU ASSHOLE! SHE WENT TO HER SISTER'S! NOW GO AWAY!"

"YOU FUCKING STALKER! I'M GOING TO POUND YOUR FACE! COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT!"

"YEAH THAT'S RIGHT YOU LITTLE CREEP! I'M GOING TO CALL THE COPS AND HAVE YOU CHARGED WITH HARRASSMENT!"

Note that this exchange was by no means one-sided; the other guy was on a cellphone, and presumably whispering sweet retorts into it. There was also some fishhag screeching from another house nearby, nicely completing the montage, I think.

Well, once again I have failed to help effect the ouster of Jim Flaherty and / or his hateful wife. I still maintain I should have locomotorized him when I had the chance... Ah, well. The election was an unfortunate bit of predictability, as people went with the safe choice, and I think that's too bad. I don't particularly take issue with the Liberals; even at their worst they're still light years ahead of the Harris years, but I do think that a minority situation would have served the people much better.

It's a real shame that Tory thought he had to go negative to win, because you could see in his concession speech that he has the class and charisma to draw voters. Sadly, throughout his campaign he just looked like the classic helmet-haired conservative hack going negative, and the faith-based school issue, while apparently a promise he made at a leadership convention well before the election, was a foolish thing to get caught up in. Ultimately, he should have attempted to project the image that was on display in his concession, instead of hammering away with remarkable futility at McGuinty.

And then there's that farmer's coalition member that got elected. I find it humorous that he was yattering on about "honesty in government" and changes to the status quo when he dodged every question they asked him, looking for all the world like he was more slippery than the most grubby of politicians. I think if anyone in politics ever came out and answered a question directly, the sun would explode. Is there really any point in dissembling? No, Tory doesn't really have total control over his situation, and for all the "we're going to evaluate the situations" that were offered up last night, it seems clear that he's probably headed for the chopping block. I know you're not supposed to show weakness and all that, but let's face it; he led his party to a dismal showing that eclipsed even the nadir of 2003.

And then there's McGuinty's loathsome victory speech. Far be it for me to criticize an act of public speaking, but whoever had the idea to lift his theme source-direct from the 8th-inning canned noiseathon at SkyDome deserves a healthy cockpunch. We Are Ontario would be much more resonant if only the nonsense he was spewing had any relation to actual events, and not just gibberish that sounds like it could do with a sprinkling of Alan Parsons Project in the background.

And what the heck was up with everyone and their "RUNNING FOR POLITICS IS BRAVERY" spiehl? The only bravery I have ever seen associated with the practice is in the pure gall shown by politicians who raise their salaries by 25% and then tut tut over minimum wage increases. Sorry, fellows, but you are not Sparta. Not yours. Those gratuitous PDAs were certainly something though! Yep, Terri and Barb are super ladies, and I imagine Shelley Martel might have been on display if only Howard Hampton wasn't slightly classier than that, and covered in a fine sheen of allergy-related grease-sweat besides.

And finally, 50% turnout is dismal. Anyone who didn't vote should be ashamed of themselves, because even a raft full of bad choices is better than no choice at all. I know it sounds trite, but to complain bitterly about these people and then do nothing about it smacks of hypocrisy to me, and I have to wonder if Australia doesn't have the right idea in fining people who don't vote.

Ugh. I hate to sound paranoid, but when governments worldwide are doing their best to indulge every Orwellian inclination they have, what can I do but be highly cynical of Stockwell Day's explanation of the events at Montebello, Que. this past week? Video on YouTube shows what the QPP has finally conceded are police officers who are by all appearances attempting to incite the protestors to riot, and to say that "well the PROTESTORS gave them rocks!" rings a little hollow since it's patently ridiculous.

I think though that in the end, this little false flag fiasco has done a remarkably good job of shining light on the SPP proceedings, something I'm sure the principals involved would rather not have happen, and even though the conservative media is doing its resolute best to whistle innocently and pretend nothing is going on, nobody else is buying it. Hopefully this will create some awareness of the fact that our leaders are attempting to sell us down the American river (seriously, Mr. Harper... jelly beans? Way to blithely oversimplify a complex issue), and maybe actually get people riled up about it.

Or maybe not. The Sun's headline today? TINK'S BACK!

Well that's nice. Won't somebody please shoot that dog?

So anyway, my supervisor Janet is fun to work with. She may be a trifle crusty, shall we say, on occasion, but all in all she's got a good sense of humour and doesn't bug me too much. She is, however, in what I assume to be her late 40s, wears pancake makeup and has one of those classic smoker-shwa voices. Thus it was that her remarks today were not something I cared to hear.

To elaborate: a pair of scissors had been sitting beside the glazer, where it had been dripped upon with glaze, which looks like a certain bodily fluid when it's in drip form (hint: JISM). I brought it over to the sink to wash, and as I did, she walked by and said "Looks like somebody got a good shot off!"

Yuck!

Not to suggest that all hicks hereabouts are from Western Canada - Ontario has more than its share, east west north and south - but the ones out west seem bent upon immortalizing their humyuk status in text, so here, without further ado, from today's Sun (Entertainment section), is a letter from one Ashley Appleton:

"RE I PRONOUNCE YOU AWFUL (JULY 20):
I'm assuming you have no wife and nothing else to do with your life besides bash movies (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry). I have seen this movie and thought it was the best movie this year. Nobody should care about homophobic slurs. You're a disgrace to movie critics everywhere. My father owns the Cineplex in Pitt Meadows (B.C.) and you are not welcome there. If you choose to come to the movie theatre you will be asked to leave immediately. You're a horrible human.
-AA"

Just more proof, I suppose, that Adam Sandler's fans (and their enormities) are legion.

So anyway, this call should give you an idea of the average lunkhead that tries to get a job at Timmy's:

"Thank you for calling Tim Hortons, Andrew speaking, how can I help you?"

"Uhh.. is this the Tim Hortons in Oshawa that's hiring... or is that the one at Wentworth..?"
(This guy had an irritatingly halting way of speaking, kind of like Napoleon Dynamite or something.

"Yes, we're hiring." *pause*

"Is there something I can help you with?"

"Yeah. When I hand in my application do I need a resume?"

"Yeah, it's a good idea to include one, just attach it when you fill out the application."

"I already FILLED one out!"

"O-kay, just bring it up to the counter when you come in!"

"The camp?"

"Excuse me?"

"The camp? There's a camp in Oshawa?

"No, no there isn't..."

*pause*

"You just SAID bring it to the CAMP!"

"Ohhh, no, I said bring it in to the counter."

"The counter?"

"Yes, the counter at the restaurant."

"Tim's isn't a RESTAURANT... it's a DONUT SHOP!"

"...Yes. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

*pause*

"Ummm... no."

"Okay, well I hope to see you in the store then!" *speedclick*

So anyway, at work today my boss was sifting through various emails when she happened upon one entitled something like "Re: incident at Lethbridge restaurant". So she opens it up, expecting to see something like the situation that occurred in that Timmy's downtown where some asshat tried to set off a bomb in the washroom and failed spectacularly.

Nope, not so much. Instead, there was mention of a "young" employee who had posted "an offensive sign" in the front window of the store. It would seem our company has apologized to several Indian bands near Lethbridge, so you can pretty much guess what this PhD in awesome got up to (and if you can't you'll have to, the email didn't specify exactly what the sign said). Way to go, Alberta...Sure doing well to ditch that redneck image!

Ah, the scenic sights and sounds of a tranquil 'Shwa morning. The lead-grey sky, the peaceful sound of cars drifting by, the chirping of birds. The blaring of the alarm at Cash Money and of sirens as cops tearass around the corner in hot pursuit. Truly beautiful.

So anyway, the people north of Oshawa and Whitby are at it again. Well, this is actually in the north part of Oshawa, but as it's the same basic region, I feel justified in lumping their sorry asses together. The problem is this: people being hoodwinked by the name Happy Valley Hopping Rabbit Tranquility Brook Farms housing development, or Windfield Farms for short. See, this developer is all about its "We're a family community" business, and prospective homeowners were all too happy about the fact that UOIT (University of Ontario Institute of Technology) was nearby at first, dreaming of ivy-lined property value increases. The reality of the situation has, however, caused a ridiculous kerfluffle.

Homeowners are up in arms because of the perceived bother of having actual students in their neighbourhoods, owing to late night noise and such horrors as omg six cars in a driveway. Now, while I am no fan of drivelawns and respect the rights of homeowners to peace and quiet, I also find it a little ridiculous that these people wouldn't have had any expectation of there being students in the area (according to the local paper, 100 of the 300 homes in the WF development have been purchased and renovated by absentee landlords, cramming up to 8 students in each home). I also think this is being blown horrendously out of proportion; even with 8 people in a house, it is no guarantee of an instant noise debacle; I lived in such a house for four years, and the only time there was an issue with noise wasn't even a result of us (a cop came by because a neighbouring party had attracted unwanted attention, and that was high school students). Beyond that, the concept of a "family community" seems slightly silly to me too; by definition any community is such, and just because there happen to be students in a third of the houses doesn't
mean parents won't be able to raise their children in a pleasant environment.

But, try telling that to neighbourhood action groups and local council, who just passed a bylaw freezing renovations for a year. Not only is this bylaw ridiculous, since it doesn't prevent anything, it also hinders the ability of the very families it's trying to "protect" from renovating their homes "legitimately", although there is allegedly some sort of tribunal to deal with upstanding folks and their urgent need to renovate what are mostly new homes anyway. It's being hailed as a good "first step" by this wretched action group, which makes me wonder exactly what it is they're after. It's a university; the students have to live somewhere and official housing is never capacious enough to deal with the entire student body, no matter the college or university.

In the end, it's just the backwards, shortsighted not-in-my-backyard mentality that the idiots in this province thrive on. From the jackasses in Brooklin who clamour to prevent a needed extension of the 407 just because they're a "village" (of 20,000!) and inconvenience thousands who must instead crawl across a two-lane highway that probably causes as much noise and pollution as any highway would, to the asshats on Toronto Island objecting to the island airport for approximately the same reasons, selfish nonsense like this rankles me to no end.

After yesterday's alliterative gem MILLIONAIRE MURDER MYSTERY MAN, the Sun has really outdone itself with today's offering. I will paste it lower in the post since the Sun has a nasty habit now of deleting archived cover photos.




















Ok, this probably isn't low enough, but: WILD WEST DRIVE-BY SLAYING! With a bonus picture of brangelina, because the two are so intrinsically related.

The Jays are doing so badly that the season has been declared "lost" by the Toronto Sun. As this was pretty much a guaranteed fact as soon as that slump hit six losses, I hereby am joining with Dave Perkins and Richard Griffin in the FIRE JP camp. FIRE HIM!

Mind you: this doesn't mean I'm changing my tune on Gord Ash. He's still a bilious blob of awfulness that never should have been allowed to touch this team with a ten-foot pole. It's just, JP's 5-year plan is now going to have to str etch to at least 8 years to succeed, and while it might be argued that in the present makeup of the AL East success for the Jays is well nigh impossible anyway I'm tired of giving him the benefit of the doubt. Basically, I just want one of my teams to make the playoffs ;_;

So anyway, I was stuck in my friend Matt's lobby, because as it turned out, his cellphone was dead, so my attempts to buzz up were failing miserably. So as I was sitting there this older guy comes in, british accent and all. He buzzes up to what sounds like a slightly scattered middle-aged woman:

"hello, Marjorie, I'm here, ring me up please"

"okay.. what's the code?"

"You're the one who's supposed to buzz me up, dear"

"Well... I think it's 102! Try pressing 102!"

"No, no.. YOU have to buzz ME upstairs"

(hesitation)

"Maybe I'll just come down.. this is going to take too long otherwise"

"You daft woman, just enter your buzz code!"

"Well did you try 102?"

"There! 1-0-2!" he says, punctuating each number with the exasperated push of a button.

"Did it work?"

(pause, light remains red)

"NO!"

"Well, I'm coming down then!"

"YES, I suppose you'd better" *click*

Then he grumbles some, and, having turned so he wouldn't hear me laugh, I hear this over my shoulder:
"You'd think she'd know how to operate the entry here.. she's lived in this building for 25 years...daft nutter"

I tried to offer him consolation in the fact that I'd been waiting 20 minutes and that at least his harebrained counterpart was actually in the building, but somehow he didn't seem too relieved by that. So I wandered off to kill some time, and apparently Matt, who decided to go down to the lobby since he'd realized his phone was kaput, saw him there, still waiting. Poor guy :(

Yes, the most trusted name in news.. until they come up with shit like this:

"Vonnegut penned such classics as Cat's Cradle, Catch-22, and Slaughterhouse Five."

Now based upon the fact I had to tell five or six people who he was, this statement may not seem erroneous to some, but much as Vonnegut was one of the greatest American authors of his time, it was his neighbour Joseph Heller who wrote Catch-22. You would think that with 10 or 17(the AP and BBC seem to disagree on the exact count) other novels to choose from they could pick one of his, but no.

Idiots.

Best. Game. EVAR.

It would seem that Head-On has a few admirers in the advertising world. While watching daytime TV on Fox 29, always death, I saw an ad from 1-800-LAW-FIRM that proceeded in the following fashion:

[red screen, strange moaning sound]

Loud Harsh Male Voice: SUICIDE, SUICIDE, SUICIDE!
[the word suicide appears thrice, each word starting white and then fading to black]

[cue O Fortuna, from Carmina Burana]

Loud Harsh Male Voice: SUICIDE can be caused by one of these drugs!
[List of drugs appears on red background, with stylized picture of head to the side]

LHMV: If you or a loved one has attempted suicide as a result of one of these drugs, you could qualify for a CASH SETTLEMENT! CALL NOW!

[end]

I swear, the City of Buffalo is run entirely by ambulance chasers...

John Gibbons, on Gustavo Chacin's DUI in Florida this week:

"It’s a serious thing, but he’ll learn from it...The justice system gets your attention pretty good these days."

Yes, yes it does.